So the feeling of devotion.. I'm not entirely sure what this means (that should tell you a lot about me right there), as I never really comprehended, emotionally, the tears that streamed down the face of my mother as she culminated her evening prayers (lalithaasahsranaama) and sat silently with her hands folded and eyes closed, her slow, rhythmic back and forth rocking to the tuned verses now ended.
Even as a child the most I could muster before the decorated idols was a feeling of respect and fear and a relatively temperamental "please help me" attitude. I remember closing my eyes and focusing intently to manifest within me a feeling of surrender and concluded my efforts contently when I could picture myself prostrating before a vague concept of divinity. This concept, for me, took various forms from various stories and scriptures and religions all through my life. While I intellectually relished the notion of 'one supreme being' that was formless and eternal and I dissected and prided over the idea of this essence being in me, I never ever felt 'joy' or 'hope' by virtue of this 'knowledge' (kevala jnana).
Today, as I listened to Jayasree Ma'am speak passionately (dispassionately(?)) about Advaitha and the realization of Aatman through a few verses from the 'Ashtraavakra Geetha', I found myself closing the book towards the end and looking around, to completely process what I was feeling. I looked to the pictures of Bhagavan Ramana Maharshi hanging on the walls and I felt something I hadn't felt before. I felt joy and love emanating from his eyes and I felt a surge of humility and what I'm assuming must be 'devotion'. To put it more simply, I wished I could touch his feet and sit quietly beside him. There was none of my natural need to 'understand' or 'make sense of by questioning'.
And I can honestly say I felt relief. 'I' had become irrelevant. There was just a lot of suffering and someone to perhaps help relieve it.
It must be a tremendous state of bliss indeed to just 'be' or to experience 'is-ness' as Ma'am put it. No qualities, no attributes and no thoughts or words to adulterate the purity of it. Just 'being'. The world and its people and all its features that I manifested with and since my first 'thought' dissolving in to nothingness to reveal something that always was and always will be. The 'me' that was born 26 years ago and has laughed, cried, been hurt, has hurt others, has prided, has cheated, has despaired, been jealous and all other combinations of these 'vikaaraas' fading in to oblivion to free me from 'me'.
God help me.. Ishwaro Rakshathu.. :)
Even as a child the most I could muster before the decorated idols was a feeling of respect and fear and a relatively temperamental "please help me" attitude. I remember closing my eyes and focusing intently to manifest within me a feeling of surrender and concluded my efforts contently when I could picture myself prostrating before a vague concept of divinity. This concept, for me, took various forms from various stories and scriptures and religions all through my life. While I intellectually relished the notion of 'one supreme being' that was formless and eternal and I dissected and prided over the idea of this essence being in me, I never ever felt 'joy' or 'hope' by virtue of this 'knowledge' (kevala jnana).
Today, as I listened to Jayasree Ma'am speak passionately (dispassionately(?)) about Advaitha and the realization of Aatman through a few verses from the 'Ashtraavakra Geetha', I found myself closing the book towards the end and looking around, to completely process what I was feeling. I looked to the pictures of Bhagavan Ramana Maharshi hanging on the walls and I felt something I hadn't felt before. I felt joy and love emanating from his eyes and I felt a surge of humility and what I'm assuming must be 'devotion'. To put it more simply, I wished I could touch his feet and sit quietly beside him. There was none of my natural need to 'understand' or 'make sense of by questioning'.
And I can honestly say I felt relief. 'I' had become irrelevant. There was just a lot of suffering and someone to perhaps help relieve it.
It must be a tremendous state of bliss indeed to just 'be' or to experience 'is-ness' as Ma'am put it. No qualities, no attributes and no thoughts or words to adulterate the purity of it. Just 'being'. The world and its people and all its features that I manifested with and since my first 'thought' dissolving in to nothingness to reveal something that always was and always will be. The 'me' that was born 26 years ago and has laughed, cried, been hurt, has hurt others, has prided, has cheated, has despaired, been jealous and all other combinations of these 'vikaaraas' fading in to oblivion to free me from 'me'.
God help me.. Ishwaro Rakshathu.. :)
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